Designated Hitsmaker


I grew up in a town where, in the twenty year span that happens to’ve encased my entire life, Brian Giles was our crown jewel centerfielder. Brian Giles, a power hitter of almost no distinction you recall as a depressed Padre. So, no, I’m not exactly a baseball fan - but, if you insisted, I’d have to call myself an NL guy. It’s all I know of what I know mostly nothing. And like any NL guy, I hold staunchly and in principle the belief that one-day-work-week millionaires can damn well be asked to swing a fucking wood stick on occasion. No, it doesn’t matter that you’re no good. Welcome to life, pal.

All this means is I’m no acquaintance of designated hitters - who seem at my periphery swaggering fat asses too often caught admiring their own balls.  But today I make an exception in this predjudice, because today’s the first I’ve heard of “Bend Ova,” the latest single by Lil Jon - the guy who looks and smells like pop music’s new DH.

If you’re at all like me then before, say, January, you hadn’t thought of this turbulent imp in nigh on a decade, when “Get Low”’s returns diminished back to equilibrium. Sure, he popped up once for Usher or you heard him vaguely sampled amid the mixtape herpes outbreak of the late 2000s - but, real talk, he wasn’t the largest Lil in the game.

Truth is he split from the Eastside Boyz around mid-decade in possible conjunction with a nasty contract dispute, went on to dabble in production, and then dropped a ponderous and oft-delayed solo document in 2010. Don’t listen to its singles. You don’t have it.

But then, rocketing from nowhere, came his collab with DJ Snake, “Turn Down For What” - the platinum-plated mega single that I am calling the Song of Summer because it’s all we have and it’s sure as shit not going to be “Rude." A platinum-plated mega single in support of nothing… except maybe DJ Snake’s young career.

That’s the weird thing, right? All the research I’ve done signals no forthcoming album from the prodigal jon, no EP, nothing. Just the single. And now - half a year later - another drop from heaven: “Bend Ova,” which you can go ahead and call “Turn Duex For What.” Same formula: a few barking choruses punctuated by some brip brap brostep or (take your pick) brostep punctuated by the rabid shrieks of the most fun voice to dance to this century, with a perfectly tolerable cameo from perennial sidekick Tyga. This one’s just as, uh, stoopid - but funnier, much funnier. I might even prefer it.

Again, there’s no indication “Bend Ova” supports anything but itself (and Tyga, who could probably use it). The stoopid fun call-out for fan submissions I've posted below - uploaded yesterday to Youtube - tells me he expects this one’ll too become a platinum-plated mega single. And why not? It’s good enough insofar as it is exactly the same thing as his last megahit. I hope to hear it (er... again) at bars everywhere starting immediately.

This is good news, very good news. It seems he’s come around to the idea that he’s not a rapper, or at least not a good one. He’s instead a walking, snarling, seething, twerking repository of perfect chorus hooks best lodged between our hippest manifestations of EDM. He's your designated hitsmaker. 

I hope I’m right. Someday this guy could be responsible for the world’s funnest partytime singles comp. And you’ll listen to it, because you’ll have to.